Fix These Broken Wingz

I'm going to update even though no one reads this.

Jamie and I are completely over. Sure, I'll always have to talk to him because of my daughter, but I can handle that. I don't want him touching me or telling me he loves me. I'd rather him NOT ask how I'm doing. It is none of his business. He still knows how to push my buttons though. The biggest thing he does that pisses me off is say that Delilah is going to hate me or talk about my parenting. How the fuck would he know if I'm a good parent or not? He isn't around to see! I feed her, I change her, I play with her. I take care of her. I work a full time job to support her. I don't drink and I don't smoke. I am going to go to college to get a better job. One that I can do form home. I swear he is going to work at Dillon's the rest of his life.
Delilah is so beautiful. Everyone says she is. She was born on August 24th. She is what I live for. She smiles at me when I get home from work. She is starting to laugh. She is getting SO big. Mom and I weighed her Friday when I took her to Mom's work. She is about 10 pounds now. My baby is growing up so fast.
I'm going to be moving out of my parents house soon. Getting my own place. I can't wait. I know it is going to suck not living with aomeone, but I need to go it one my own. I wear contacts now. I LOVE that.
I must say that I am happy with my life. Being a single mom isn't easy, but it beats staying with the father. I'll find someone better. I'm dating a single father actually. Just started, but I think he is already the better person. For one, he actually wants to see me and take me out on fates. He doesn't do drugs and drinks every now and then. He has a little girl.

Well a lot of things have changed. Jamie and I got an apartment together. I moved out. We were having issues, but I love him more than anything in this life...well apart from my child, but that is a different kind of love. We are expecting our first child together. I have a car. My brother's friend backed into my car. Totaled it out. Now it's paid off, but ugly. I'm going to fix everything I see wrong with myself. Fix things with Jamie. Get my life in order. Well I guess that's it. 

Long time no update. Here is a quick list

• Quit the job with my dad
• Got rid of Maggie(the girl basset)
• Moved to Winfield
• Got engaged
• Got my ring
• Jamie got a car
• Got kicked out of his parents
• Got our own place
• My father passed away

Those aren't in order by the way. Awell though. Who actually reads this? No one
My father passed away on December 10th. I didn't find out until the 23rd. I missed everything. I have to meet my Aunt Mary Saturday to get some things my father left me. Part of me doesn't want anything he left me, but then again I do. If only for the memory. It's just so weird. I knew he wasn't in good health, but I didn't think it would happen this soon. He'll never see me get married. I miss him. I actually miss him.

Jamie and I are doing great. I love him. It's kind of funny. I never knew I could find my soul mate online. lol I love him though. I wouldn't change anything about him.

What to do? What to do?
Oh wait! I know! Talk to my baby and go to bed and wake up at 5:30 and get ready for work. Go to work. Clock in at 6:45 and go home at 3:15. Fun Fun! Not really
Work sucks. It should be easy, but of course I'm new. I worked on one part ALL fucking day. It usually takes people 30 minutes to do the part. How pathetic!!! No one can blame me though. The part wasn't hot and so the material wasn't sticking and we don't have enough hot air guns to make it stick. Not  to mention, I just suck.
I'm getting better....I think. I don't know who would say I am, but still. They can bite me for all I care. I'm doing what I know how to do. I'm learning to do other things. My boss told me that if I don't like it I can be trained for something else in the company and if I don't like that and like the lay-up better, I can come back. I'm going to give it a few weeks and try it out. All I know is that I need this job. I can't let my Dad down and I sure as hell can't let Jamie and this baby down. I'm just hoping that the baby will  be fine. All the fabric and shit gives me headaches. I just hope it doesn't harm my baby.
*sigh* I think Jamie is mad at me. He hasn't called me and was supposedly going home 20 minutes ago and it only takes 5 minutes to get to his house at his friends. Kind of pisses me off. I think he is pissed because I went and saw Alissa and get my 10 bucks. I spent some time talking to her. Is that so fucking bad? It's not like I work with her or go to school with her. If I did, that would be a different story. Awell. Who cares?

My phone completely died on me the other night.  I had bought a brand new charger and my phone wouldn't charge. I finally had to say good-bye to it. I bought a new phone and am now with T-Mobile. On the 8th, Jamie is getting added onto my plan. As soon as I pay my car off, we will be moving in together.
He is so amazing. We had a fight about me getting a new phone, but it all worked out in the end. He can now talk to me when I am on lunch and shit. Also, he can call me when I'm lost.
The other day, Saturday to be exact, I was trying to get to Winfield and I thought Hydrolic would take me to K-15. WRONG!!! I ended up on a dirt road. Followed somebody and ended up in Bell Plain....I think. Anywho, he called me and told me to find a Gas Station. I got there okay.
I work with my dad now. Not with him, but at the same place.

I'm about to cry and it's bullshit! Here is the short version why:

1. My car door has been broken for awhile. So tonight I take it to my Dad's friends house so he can fix it. He said he will Sunday because it will be a 3 hour job. I'm fine with that.
2. Jamie gets Sunday off because we thought I could spend all day with him seeing as I start my new job Monday. Now he is all pissed/depressed because he got off for "nothing" it seems.
   
3. I get yelled at because I asked if I could stay with him Saturday night and drive home Sunday and then take him home. I get yelled at, but am allowed to.
   
4. Jamie is still depressed it seems. I get yelled at for him! Is anything I ever do good enough?
5. Last night I made him a really beautiful wallpaper. He just sits there and tells me how I could have made it better!!! IT'S THE FUCKING THOUGHT THAT COUNTS!!!!

Now i just feel like crying. I try to make him happy. I really do try, but it seems like it is never enough. I love Jamie with everything. We are getting married, but if somethings don't change it won't work. He needs to trust me and he needs to see that I'm trying. I'm not perfect and will never claim to be. I try to make him happy and give him everything he needs.
At times I just feel like I am not good enough for him and that he deserves someone so much better. I know that I have never cheated on him and I never would. I would give him everything he ever wanted and needed if he just gave me the chance. He just needs to give me credit even if I fail.

I remember waking up the next morning thinking, what the fuck just happened? Why am I unable to walk without hurting? Why am I bleeding so bad when my period was two weeks ago? It would be a few days later when I would realize what had happened.
That night was like any other. Got off work. My homie would pick me up. We would go get high. Only difference with this night is a co-worker of mine needed a ride home. My friend asked if he had any weed and he said he did. We took him home and went inside. He loaded a joint. We started smoking, puffing on the thin piece of paper with my doom wrapped inside. I took one hit off of the joint and I could not feel my body. I tried talking and moving, but felt like I could not even move an inch. My body was heavy like dried cement. My body was that of a statue.
My friend, for lack of a better word, left me there to go get a drink. She did not end up returning. How I got home is still beyond me. I tried to scream for help after she left, but no words could escape my lips. My hands curled up into fists, yet I could not lift them. All I could do was try to bite and try to fight. My body tensced as he kept one hand pinned on the center of my chest while he unbuttoned my pants and slipped them off. He looked at me, hunger in his eyes, and told me to enjoy myself. Next thing I know, I was being raped.
Pain was sent throughout my body. I cried and fought the best I could. My breathing got heavy with panic. I clamped down my teeth on his hand and spitting out blood.
The next thing I remember is waking up in my bed. My hair was soaked and my vagina was swollen and bleeding. I tried to get up, but fell back down, crying. The pain was still there. My head hurt like no other and my body felt so dirty. I called my friend up. She said it was all her fault, that she should not have left me. I did not want to blame her, yet part of me knows that she could have prevented it. I could have prevented it too, but what is done cannot be undone.
Slowly I started to heal. My guy friends could start hugging me and I didn't pull away. At one point, I fell to the ground, crying, and one of them came up and just held me.
My grades fell and I ended up dropping out of school. At the end of the year, I found out I had Herpes. I got it when I was raped. Not only did he take away my respect, happiniess, and health, he took away my dream. I dreamed of being in the Air Force for so long and it is gone.



I refuse to let the rape define who I am. I will forever fight for justice and I hope that one day, I can help girls not get into the same situations. You think you know someone, but chances are you don't. I thought I could trust them. One raped me and one left me. I no longer talk to her. She stopped talking to me when I was depressed and needed my friends the most.

Well it's been awhile. I now have internet in my room which I love.
Here are a few quick updates on my life:

• Have a Bladder Infection
• Have an outbreak inside of my vagina with a bladder infection
• No longer on my anti-depressant that I took for 3 years
• New medicine that isn't working
• Crying all the damn time
• Still with Jamie
• Driver's door doesn't work in my car
• Quit Fashion Bug!!! No more omen(except for Mom) asking me if they look fat
• Work at Dillon's
• God a new dog. Her name is Maggie and she is a female basset hound. She was abused. She is so cute though

 So far today has been great. It's Jamie's birthday and he is 21. He kept on calling me this morning. At 2:30, 3:00. 3:30. 4:30, 6:30, and 7:30. I was kind of pissed at that because I was tired and I was waking up at 8 to drive down to Winfield. That's about an hour drive in the wee hours of the morning with my boyfriend calling me a lot in the morning just to see if I am coming. lol I told him I was coming. I told him I would be leaving my house sometime around 8. Well I had to call one of his friends because I couldn't find the damn house he was in. lol His phone had died so I had to call his buddy, Todd. Todd stood outside in the street so I could find it. I go inside and Jamie is passed out on the couch. I kiss him, nibble on his ear, shake him, talk to him. He doesn't wake up. All he says is that he doesn't feel good. So I sit down on the couch and about 20 mins. later Todd comes inside and wakes Jamie up. Todd was like "Dude, wake up! You're girl is here!" and Jamie jumps up and says "Where?" And I just say "Right here baby." lol It was so funny. We end up laying down together since I can barely keep my eyes open and Jamie is still drunk. Later we go into the bathroom and have sex seeing as I'm on the fucking rag and didn't want to get the couch bloody. lol We run around and do shit and then go to his dad's. We pass out on the couch AGAIN! We were just laying there at first and then I hear him snoring so I go to sleep too. I think his Dad took a picture of us. lol He was laying down and I had my head on his chest and he had his legs over mine. I love it when we fall asleep together.

Later I had to leave. I HATE leaving him. I wish we lived closer so I could come see him any time I want. He is going to try and fix his car by Wednesday. We both have that day off and so he wants to come see me. I can just see it. He'll leave at 7 in the morning. Get to my house around 8. We have sex and go back to sleep. lol I love him though. 

He did make me cry last night and I made him cry too. Mom said I couldn't go see him if he was drinking. He was already drinking by the time Mom told me. I begged him tos top, but he wouldn't. I understand though. His friends bought him beer for his 21st. I started crying and I kept on saying I love you. He thought I was saying Fuck You so he said Fine and hung up. I call him back and he yells What. I ask him if he's going to say it back. And he said what? You want me to say Fuck you too? I told him I didn't say fuck you. I said I love you. He apologized for like an hour. He kept on saying sorry this morning too. He was rying because he thought it was over between us. 

We are both stubburn and we know it. lol 

All in all I've had a really good day. I love him so much. We both have Herpes and so it's all good. Now we are just working on getting a place together.

 My old step-father would always tell me that I am not going to make it as a writer and that I could not write very well at all. I took that as a force to prove to him I could. I read all the time and write down my thoughts and any lines for a story/poem that I come up with. I practice all the time. I let my friends and family read my writing. My sister loves my writing and tells me to continue. I was published in Sweet Sixteen last year and that made me realize that I do have potential. I work hard and thank the Lord for everything in this life. Without the people in my life and the things I have gone through, I wouldn't be able to write this today. I would not be able to express myself and to understand how something I write may affect others.

Last night Jamie and I stayed up for a few hours just talking. It was sweet. I remember I was high and he was drunk. lol He was having a blast. He was at his friends house and I called him. I told him I've only been drunk once. He said that is going to have to change. He then asked his friends if, when I get my car, and we drink if his girl had a place to stay. It was sweet. They said of course, but I was just happy that he called me his girl. It made me smile. 
He does all these sweet things. He wants to come get me on his day off. He wants to talk to me every night. He wants to see me all the time. He tells me he misses me atleast twice a day. He told me I'm always on his mind. 
The other night when he came over, he called me in Mulvane. He was on Lisa Ln. He called to tell me that and that he was thinking of me. lol I just laughed because I've seen the street and shit. It was kind of cute though....just the fact he called me out of nowhere to tell me that. 
He is just the sweetest!

I have to mow the front yard and the back yard. I mowed the front yard Monday...in killer heat. I mowed some of the back yard last night. I just got done mowing some more of the back yard. When are my parents going to get a fucking riding lawn mower? We live on atleast half an acre! The fucking push mower isn't going to do shit! All it does is take hours to mow and gives you fucking blisters on your hands. 
Okay, enough ranting. 
I talked to Jamie last night. That boy is so sweet. When I answered the phone at some point last night and said hello he said "Hello Beautiful." He does all these things to make me smile. He is going to come get me the next day he is off of work. He lives in Winfield and I live in Derby. It sucks, but atleast we have the phone. I'm going to move up there soon and he is going to move in with me. He asked if I was taking my dog, Ruby, and I said of course. She is my dog and if I have to stay in a house by myself I have to have my dog. He said I wouldn't be staying by myself because he would be there with me, that is if I wanted him too. 
Dude, my dogs are so fucking weird. Ruby is humping Harley. Just to clean that up, the girl is humping the guy! Harley never tries to hump her. I think it's Ruby's way of showing this is her house or something. I dunno. 
Anyways, I think I'm going to go.  I'm kind of bored.

I think I'm going to move out of state. Kansas has nothing for me. I don't know what I want, but I can't stay here. I've lost my friends and I've lost myself. When smiling seems like such a burdon, its time to leave. It's sad that I have to go walk around town when Mom tells me to go hang out with friends. She doesn't even know that I don't have friends. When I try to tell her, she thinks I'm lying. So I just go walk around town. 
I hate this place. I try to be happy, but it doesn't work. I'm hopeless.

If you could be another person for a day, who would it be and why?

I would have to say I would want to be....I don't know. I could never imagine being anyone, but me. I want to make a difference and I plan to do just that. So I wouldn't want to be anyone else. Sure, there are things I wish I could change about myself, but I could never do that. I'm happy the way I am....well most of the time. I get down and I get crazy, but mostly I'm just happy. 

Life is never easy. Those that say it is are liars.

I am not really sure why I got a LiveJournal. I mean, I still use my xanga. lol I guess I thought it was time for a change.